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CHAPTER
TEN
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DITCH THE
ITCH...
We thought we had finally tied down all the monsters. That was until
we saw the local “Steal U Blind” toy store roof fly twenty two and a
half feet into the air. “Tell me I didn’t just see that.” Eddy said.
“O.K. you didn’t just see it.” I replied with a smile. “Are you
lying to me?” Yep.” “Oh brother!” “You don’t have a brother.” “WILL
YOU BE QUIET!!!” “O.K.”
We reluctantly entered the toy store and saw that the monsters had
managed to wreck half of the toys. But at least they hadn’t been
able to break through the bullet proof glass that protected the
“ULTRA BOY GAME SYSTEM”.
Unfortunately, however, they had managed to tie and gag all of the
“Steal U Blind” employees, and even more unfortunately they had
managed to tie and gag principle Adams. “Mbypewer!!!” (That would
have been “McGuyfert!!!” but I guess the gag that was stuffed down
his throat was effecting his speech). “I wonder what could possibly
be wrong with principle Adams?” “I don’t know? “Gasp, could it be
that he wants us to untie him Toby my good friend?”
“MPMPH!!!” Principal Adams MPMPHED. “Eddy I do believe he does”
I said as I pulled the gag out of his throat. “Toby
You MORON!!!”
“I think I liked you better with the gag.” “Untie me you
knuckleheads!” “First you’ll have to meet our demands.” “Demands!
You’re crazy you’re both crazy.” “O.K. Toby gag him.” “AUGHH! NO!
Fine what are your demands?” “Number one, let Toby and I pass math.
Second . . .” “Your nuts!!!” Principal Adams said. “Prepare the
gag.” “NO!!!” “Second stop serving canned slugs in the cafeteria.
Third and most importantly - Let us watch pro wrestling in grammar
class, it’s way too dull.” I interrupted. “No but that’s a good
idea. I was about to say, install big screen TVs in our desks and
lockers.” Eddy finished. Well lets just say that Principal Adams
didn’t take to kindly to our little bargain. In a matter of fact he
disliked the offer so much that I guess I’ll have to use the good
‘ol Christian translation. “Toby I believe that your demands
outrageous and that they are most incorrect. Also ,I believe that
when I finally escape these ropes I shall cause you bodily harm and
may even render you unconscious.”
After we untied Principal (and then were chased around
the store a couple thousand times) we managed to jump through the
automatic doors and push the emergency lock button. Big mistake,
because when we turned around we saw an army of drooling babies that
were armed to the teeth with everything from the ever popular silly
string, to tricycles launching giant inflatable cats (Banned in
thirty-two states). “AUGHH!!!” “Mommy, mommy, mommy!!!” “Kiw ‘em!”
Now I don’t want say we were scared but
WE WERE SCARED.
Sorry didn’t mean to
yell. But when you’re being attacked by killer kindergartners you
TEND TO SCREAM!
Sorry I’m doing it again.
“Eddy run!!!”
“It would be my pleasure!!!” The chase was on two clumsy yet
harmless kids being chased by an army of not so clumsy yet very
harmful toddler terrorists. “Run!” “AHHH!!!” “Hey look, the new FBI
Joe action figure (Hey it was a toy store). “I WANT MY MOMMY!” Now
this wasn’t exactly my idea of fun, and I probably could have
thought of someplace much more enjoyable (Like the prison, or the
Antarctic, and hey, I heard that Pluto is lovely this time of year).
We ran, and ran, and ran, and wheezed, and coughed, and ran, and
slowed down, and coughed out a lung (I told you that I wasn’t that
athletic) and then finally we were squished by an army of munchkin
maniacs. “Me make da funny guy a pancake.” “I got de uder one.”
“Hee, hee, hee, he look funny.” “Uh um hmm uh take me to your
leader.” I said. And that was the last thing I remember, then I
guess I fainted or something.
After a long time I finally woke up in the basement of
the toy store ,surrounded by drooling babies, Oh and did I mention
that we were inside of a cage constructed with toy parts. And there
at the back of the wall was two kids sitting on chairs ten times too
large for them. “Me King Itchy, and this is guerrilla
Gretchen.” “Ohh, ha, ha ROAR!!!” guerrilla Gretchen screamed.
AUGHHHH!!!” I screamed louder. “OHHHH, HAAA, HAAA, ROOAARR!!!” She
thinks she can beat me, world class scream champion! Never.
“AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” “Epp
whimper, whimper, whimper.”
“You hab debeeted guerrilla Gretchen, You are good but not good
enoughp. Now me controle da city me hab all the peanut butter and
jewy me can eat. Rewees da squisherizer!” I can’t tell you how
excited I was, seeing I had never seen a reel live working
squisherizer before. The wall at the end of the room was blasted
into splinters as a giant machine constructed out of spare toy parts
came out and started to spin in circles. “Ohhhhh Ahhhhh Eeeeee.”
“Turn them into jelly!” “AHHHHH!” I can’t tell you how scared I was,
seeing I had never been squished by a real live working squisherizer
before. “We’re doomed, doomed I tell you. DOOMED!” But it wasn’t
over yet. We still had seventeen seconds before we joined the other
pancakes at ihop (international house of pancakes) “We are dead!”
fourteen. “Mommy!” Thirteen. “We’re toast! No wait scratch that
we’re burnt toast!” Twelve. “Whaaaa!” Ten. “We’re dead. We’re dead.
We’re dead. We’re... hey is that a UFO?” “Where?” “Up there.” Nope
that’s just Mugsy, Continue. “OK. We’re dead. We’re dead. We’re
dead. We’re dead.” Nine. “Please God let me live, I promise I won’t
cook dinner for anybody ever again. Just let me live!”
KA-Splinter KA-Splat KA-Rack “
KA-Belch!!!”
Now by
now you’ve probably figured out that the KA-Splinter was Mugsy
KA-Breaking the cage and that the KA-Splat was good ol’ Mugsy
Ka-Squishing us, and that the KA-Rack was my bones KA-Racking, but
you are probably still trying to figure out what on earth could
possibly be doing the Ka-Belching, so I guess I’ll have to tell you.
Remember back in Chapter Nine when tennis-shoe boy launched Mugsy
off to space, and how before that when Mugsy was doing all of that
snacking? Well, you can probably figure out the rest. “Oh no.
Big woof-woof fly through da ceiling an let da doe-doe boy out.”
“Good girl Mugsy.” “Burp belch.” “Let’s get out of here!” “You don’t
have to tell me twice.” And get out of there we did. “Is it da
snail?” “Id it da slug?” “No. It’s super dufus!” Super dufus or not,
I didn’t care because at the moment I was being chased by a maxi
econo-sized ,industrial strength squisherizer.
I figured King Itchy was just a little grumpy ‘cause
he’d missed his nap, so I thought I’d cheer him up with a couple of
jokes. “What do you call two banana peels?” Wad do you call two nana
peels?” “You call them two banana peels!” “Yuk, Yuk, Yuk. Very
funny.” King Itchy said sarcastically. “I don’t think he liked my
joke.” “Better try another one.” Eddy said “OK. What time is it when
an elephant sits on your watch?” “I don’t reawy care.” “Roughly
2:24.” “OK kill ‘em now.” “OK I admit it, it was a stupid joke!” Let
me tell you we sure didn’t want to get in the way of the one and
only second squisherizer the world has ever seen (The first of
course was created by Larry. M. Mumferd in 1692).
We had quite a trip through the toy store; we went
through the rubber things isle KA-Boing, KA-Boing, KA-Boing,
KA-Boing, KA-Boing, KA-Shatter, Ka-Rip (That of course was us and
the gang launching ourselves through a solid glass wall that
separated the toy store from the imported costume shop on the other
side and the sound of our clothes being ripped off). After a little
changing we decided to sneak back to our houses and change out of
our new costumes. We tiptoed out the back door hoping that nobody
would notice our new imported Chicken and teddy bear/ballerina suits
. We managed to sneak out the door of the dress shop and saw about a
hundred people with cameras facing us. “This is I. M. Perfect with
MNL (Morons, lunatics, and Nutcases) news and
we were wondering if... He, he Ha, ha, HA, HA, HA.”
“That’s the most hilarious thing I’ve ever seen in my life.” “Toby
McGuyver look what you’ve gotten us into this time!” “Run!!!” “After
them!” I . M. screamed “They’ll make a great story!” “Quick in my
house!” I screamed as I KA-Click locked the door. “Hey bro I just
saw a stupid looking teddy bear on the news. It was dopiest thing
I’ve ever seen in my... He, he, ha, ha, ha,
ho, HO,
Ho,
(That of
course would be Mike). “Hey mommy Toby’s on T.V. and he’s wearing a
tutu!” (That of course would be my youngest sister - the one I
didn’t tell you about - her name is Lindsey. She also happened to be
one of the only people in the family that actually liked me) “My
little sweety pie, (Mom isn’t that good with nicknames).” My son
wearing a tutu!!!” Dad yelled as he looked up from his paper. By now
Mike was rolling around on the floor busting a gut with laughter.
There he is!” a news reporter yelled (Apparently she
had slid down our chimney). But luckily by the time she finished
yelling to her comrades outside, we were already at the top of
stairs and locked safely away inside my bedroom. We changed
into some normal clothes and put on some disguises (I always keep a
couple in my closet ‘cause they tend to come in handy when you’re
being pursued by bullies), and snuck out my back window and slid
down the drain pipe (At least Eddy slid, all I managed to do was
fall right on top of a large watermelon my mom was growing).
“O.K. We are going to need some new names... O.K. I’ve got it you’ll
be Freddie and I’ll be Moby... Moby Dick.” “That’s so corny it just
might work.”
We decided that it would best if we went back to the
toy store to round up the little sweeties. But on our way there we
found an unwelcome surprise, We found that our good buddy King Itchy
had decided that it would be fun to level the town with an army of
squisherizers
AN ARMY OF SQUISHERIZERS! That’s
right, he had hundreds of squisherizers running wild in the streets.
“Oh no Freddie we’re in trouble, let us exit on the double.” “Stop
it with the Freddie it’s annoying, it’s not a name that I’m
enjoying.” “There’s an army of squisherizers on the loose, and hey
why do we sound like Dr. Seuss?” “There’s doe-doe boy catch ‘em
let’s run, dealing with ‘em will be lots of fun!” “Oh brother now
even the monsters are rhyming, I can’t believe our terrible timing.”
“You comin’ with us right here an right now, and you ain’t escaping
no way and no how.” “We’re not coming no way no how. We won’t come
with you in a box. We won’t come with you with a fox. We won’t come
with you in the rain. We won’t come with you on a train. Or on a
goat on a boat near or far on a car I don’t care if it runs on green
eggs and ham I’m not coming Toby I am!” “How we keep rhyming I don’t
know how, but we’ve got to stop it right here and right now.” Well
that got our attention. “We’ve got to stop rhyming right hear today,
no more rhyming in any...” KA-Slap (That would be Eddy slapping my
mouth shut). “I think I’ve been cured!” I yelled. “Now where were we
oh yeah. Get ‘em!!!” “AUGHH!” It didn’t take us long to get out of
there. |
